Why can’t I be in a loving relationship?

If you have a fear of being in a loving relationship you’ll find that you have very intense feelings of fear, far greater than what others may feel. There are a number of signs when you have a fear of commitment:

1. 1. 1. You’ve got a history of being in short relationships that don’t require any serious commitment
      2. You don’t like to make plans with your partner which can include date nights
      3. You display uncertainty with committing to anything your partner wants from you including when your partner wants to see you
      4. Your language displays your uncertainty, you use terms like maybe, not sure, probably and might etc.
      5. You find it difficult expressing your feelings, you may be afraid of your own feelings and what they could mean

It can be quite confusing being scared of commitment because you long for a loving relationship but at the same time your fear makes you not want to be in a relationship. There could be a number of different reasons for your fear:

1. 1. 1. Previous bad experiences in a relationship: being cheated on, abrupt ending to a relationship without signs/warning
      2. Witnessing other’s unhealthy relationships e.g. parents going through a divorce
      3. Fear of ending up with the wrong person
      4. Childhood trauma
      5. Attachment issues from childhood
      6. Fear of getting attached to someone and then being hurt (fear of being hurt)

There are ways to deal with your commitment issues, as long as you want to change:

• Anxiety. Your anxiety can be triggered by your intense level of fear, dealing with your fear will help you maintain a healthy relationship
• Stay present. Focus on the here and now, try not to focus on the future or the past, enjoy the moment right now, enjoy talking to your partner and enjoy spending time together
• Understand. Understand why you’re scared, are you scared of being hurt? Are you scared of being happy? Scared of losing your freedom? Are you scared of relying on someone else and being let down?
• Denial. Step out of denial, at some point all these feelings your hiding will surface. Denial only works for so long.
• Boost your self-esteem. Do things you enjoy, go to the gym, read a book etc. You will always feel like you can cope more if you’re feeling better.
• Embrace your fear. Whether it’s fear of commitment or fear of taking a risk, you’ll have to commit at some point, you’ll never be able to go through life without uncertainty before having to make a commitment. You’ll end up making a commitment despite those doubts.
• Risk. Everything has an element of risk, you can’t avoid risks. Work out what your options are and make the decision which works best for you based on what you want/need.

You do open yourself to risk by loving someone again despite your history, however, the alternative is being alone. You hold the answers to your issues inside you, allow yourself to be free, you’ve loved before and you can love again, let go of the toxic people in your life and open yourself up to allow good people to walk into your life. You can’t stop anyone from hurting you, however, having enough faith in your own abilities to know you can deal with it, you’ve dealt with things before, you can do it again, your history already proves this.